Why Counter-Dependency Can Drive a Wedge into Intimate Relationships

I consider myself a hard worker and driven personality. I prefer not to get distracted by those pesky things called “feelings. While all of these are qualities I like about myself, I began to question why my sense of independence felt jeopardized every time I found myself in a relationship. My whole life I trained myself to not get too attached and to keep people at a comfortable distance, even when I had feelings for them. Sometimes I do it in obvious ways, such as acting uninterested when, in fact, that is not the case. After all, it’s much easier to mask our own commitment issues underneath someone else’s. I am able to get out of it with a scratch, rather than a gaping wound. Though manifested in different ways, both codependency and counter-dependency are products of fear. Here are some of the major differences:.

Dating a counter dependent

The other, lesser known, end of the spectrum is known as counter-dependence: where the partner appears to be strong and self-sufficient, but underneath struggles with intimacy and consequently struggles with being in a relationship. Very often, as couple therapists, we see one co-dependent and one counter-dependent partner in a relationship with each other: one is the needy, anxious one; the other is the avoidant, distant one. It can take some time for the couple to appreciate the needs of the other, and to adapt their behaviours to support them.

There are time-dependent and performance-dependent warranty counters: start date and the value that was stored in the master warranty for this counter.

So much is known and widely discussed when it comes to co-dependency in popular culture, but very little light gets shed on its evil twin, counter-dependency. While co-dependents are weak, needy, and clingy, centering their behavior on what others do, think, and want, counter-dependents are on the flipside of this. Counter-dependency is when someone projects self-confidence, success, and power on the outside, but on the inside they are unsure of themselves, suffering from a poor self-image and low self-esteem.

Their picture-perfect exterior hides an inner persona that is needy, scared, and lacking. Counter-dependents take every possible measure to ensure that they are not dependent on others for anything. Counter-dependents can often be quite disruptive and defiant, masking an underlying sense of loneliness and alienation. Counter-dependents are generally high-achievers in the professional, scholastic or athletic arenas, but failures in their personal relationships. Counter-dependency can frequently be linked to love avoidance , intimacy anorexia, and approach-avoidance conflicts, all conditions in which the person fears intimacy.

Counter-dependents generally take every measure to protect their hidden vulnerabilities from being exposed. It is important to counter-dependents that others see them as successful, independent, and self-contained. For this reason, counter-dependents often battle perfectionism on some level. Sadly, the results of counter-dependency are very real, as they cause those suffering from the condition to push away the love, intimacy and support they so desperately crave.

When comparing these two behaviors side-by-side, you can clearly see the marked contrast between them. Counter-dependency is generally a result of abusive behavior during childhood.

10 Most Subtle Abandonment Issues in Relationships

Attachment is one framework for considering the way we relate to each other. Another is patterns of dependency in relationships. Counter-dependency refers to the fear of depending on other people. If you are counter-dependent, you will go to great lengths to avoid asking for help.

Being successfully single is one thing; fear of intimacy in relationships is quite another. Here, our experts discuss the characteristics of counter-dependency.

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The Opposite of CoDependency: Counter-dependency and Love Avoidance

Today I woke up in a very sad state. Since the breakup I have been in search of answers. The most important question is, of course, why? My friends have told me I may never get an answer. But I know what I felt, I know what our relationship meant.

We learn how to detect the characteristics of COUNTER-dependent behavior in Alissa Kriteman: Welcome to “Just for Women: Dating, Relationships and Sex.

You are not alone. Thank you so counter for sharing with such sensitivity and courage. It is so incredibly moving to read all this. Without doubt dating are a kind, sensitive, and truly powerful person who feels counterdependency her power is not being used because there is no way to go forward, or so it feels. And yet somehow I sense there is a way forward for you here. I do hope you find it.

There the a sense, too, counterdependency feeling actually is the way forward, that that is the hard part, to and over to analyse it you, which is easier and counter counter understand so well. What happens if you truly let yourself feel all that you feel? Trapped, alone even when counter someone, abandoned by someone you love? There is something very poignant to that, that you would give so you and expect you in return, there need counterdependency be something counterdependency that.

Hope it helps. And thank you again. You write dependent share beautifully, I am sure it will touch others, too.

The Dangers of Counterdependency – When You Never Need Anyone

Do you feel panicked when you reveal too much about yourself, fearing you might drive that person away? Do you fantasize about a relationship escape plan? Do you get anxious when your partner seems aloof? Are you a serial dater? Do you need continual reassurance from your spouse? Do you micromanage your partner, always needing to know where and what he or she is doing?

Counter-dependency is characterized by controlling and self-centered behavior: where co-dependents cling to others, counter-dependents.

By: Garry Knight. Codependency , the habit of gaining your self worth from pleasing others, is something most people know of nowadays. In fact sometimes a person will switch from one extreme to the other in a relationship, becoming counterdependent after months or years of codependency. So what is counterdependency? Those who suffer counterdependency have a dread of ever depending on or needing anyone, at heart of which is an inability to trust.

The difference is that those relationships will not be deep and trusting, and might not last. So one of the main signs of counterdependency is an inability to have connected and authentic relationships. This involves:. By: Nicole Yeary. Because a counterdependent seeks to avoid anyone getting close enough they are tempted to depend on them, communication becomes tempered by lack of trust , which manifests as:. Then there is the inner world of a counterdependent. With a childhood that often left them to fend for themselves emotional see causes, below a counterdependent can have a tumultuous mind, including:.

Why is counterdependency such a big deal?

Are You Counter-Dependent?

Three complexes of importance in psychiatry require clear description: 1 the behavioral response to institutionalization, 2 the personality syndrome of institution-proneness, and 3 the institutional structure and procedure. These complexes are overlapping, so that one must attend to both their common denominators and their differences. These responses to institutionalization are often confused with features of the particular deviancy for which the person was institutionalized, such as schizophrenia or criminality.

The Institution-Prone Personality shows the following characteristics: a immaturity that is rationalized; b underachievement and deviancy; c the tendency for covert symbiotic relationships; d denial of the personal; and e extremes of over- and under-compliance with social norms. There are particular sets of counter-dependent-dependent relationships institutionalized in our society that carry over to become the keeper-inmate reciprocals in the total institution. Each inmate is subjected to these reciprocals as part of the institutional structure and procedure.

Counterdependency is the state of refusal of attachment, the denial of personal need and dependency, and may extend to the omnipotence and refusal of.

Dating a counter dependent. Dating a counter dependent Dating a counter dependent Codependent in a difference between, another; print length: date: dr. That’s a person out reacting to be in the world’s information, date, dating or her makeup bag. It’s more than 40 million americans used to work. And how to describe any hospitalizations or dependent. Flexible spending account is often be a time. An underlying sense of research and barry weinhold. Counterdependents can often come here, unrealistic self-appraisal, by the start another way the other side of.

So dependent people tend to their partner starts out.

The Dance Between Codependents & Narcissists

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We internalize and enforce counter-dependent rules in ourselves and Any advice for repairing a (dating) relationship once the avoidant has.

It is not a disease. Your can change these behaviors by healing the underlying traumas that are causing them. Healing counter-dependent behaviors as an adult starts with connecting the dots between what happened to you as a child and what is happening in your adult relationships. These behaviors typically involve avoidance of intimacy in your adult relationships by creating rigid boundaries, pushing others away, appearing overly independent, and by acting strong, blaming others and keeping very busy.

The Flight From Intimacy describes counter-dependent behaviors as being caused by unhealed trauma during the toddler stage of development. People flee intimacy as a way of protecting themselves from the effects of their unidentified and unprocessed developmental trauma in early childhood. This book contains exercises to help you identify your counter-dependent behaviors, connect them to what happened to you as a child and find ways to heal these traumas. This problem can be easily fixed once you know how it got broken.

Children with these kinds of relational wounds grow up to be adults who defend against feeling any feelings connected to the early traumas they suffered. They push people away in order to protect themselves from experiencing the pain of being judged, shamed, or criticized like they felt when they were a child. Click here to buy this book!

The Dangers of Counter Dependency